


It’s a Twisted World

by coffeegleek



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Historical, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, I combined a ton of tropes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 09:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17138888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeegleek/pseuds/coffeegleek
Summary: Another fic I'm trying to save from the tumblr purge. It was written 6 years ago & only a few people aside from myself thought it was funny. But that's okay. :) NOTE: It did not continue beyond 2 chapters. I had more plotted out, but as it wasn't getting much response, I gave up. I'm a little braver now.)Original Summary: I decided to challenge myself by combining the posted 5 weekly Klaine AU Friday themes and adding another one of my own. So that means: Farm, Fairytale, Vintage (1900’s,) Super Powers, Zombie Apocalypse, and Harry Potter World Klaine with a splash of a fic idea I thought of while in the produce section of the grocery store. Each week, the story will continue, though each part stands alone.  This is not a brilliant work of perfectly composed fan fiction. What it is, is fast-paced, cracky fun, with a large dose of innuendo. At least it had my son laughing his ass off. I hope y'all enjoy it too. :)





	1. Of Gentlemen and Cucumbers

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Part 1: Of Gentlemen and Cucumbers

Kurt adjusted the hand-written sign on a barrel of apples in the market stall of his family’s farm. Neither the farm, nor the stall, were very large, but it was thrilling to live on the outskirts of Manhattan. The city was growing every day, becoming even more exciting, if that was possible, and bringing with it new customers looking to get away from the hustle and bustle. On a clear day he pretended that he could see the Statue of Liberty far in the distance. It too was exhilarating and he visited her as often as possible, climbing up the long, steep staircase, walking through the arm and standing in the circle of her torch. It felt like he could see the whole world with New York City as its brightest star.

He was pulled from his daydreams by the shuffle of feet and a gentle cough from a new customer, his only customer at the moment. “Can I help you, sir?” Privately, very privately, Kurt hoped the gentleman would say “yes.” The black-haired man was quite attractive, his stylish beard neatly trimmed, and his brown suit, though very worn, was well made of expensive material. And his smile at a mere offer for help? Kurt swore he could write a sonnet about that grin. He’d called it, “Ode to a Gentleman’s Smile on a Bright Summer’s Day.”

“How much, please for the cucumbers? They are so big and firm. I have not held anything this large and solid in a very long time.”

The longing sigh the customer let out, combined with the way he was caressing the vegetable in his hand, and at waist level no less, caused something within the farmer’s own pants to become firm. Kurt couldn’t help but to blush, cursing himself at his decision to forgo the current fad and be one of the few men of his time to shave. A beard would have hidden his embarrassment nicely.

The gentleman noticed and rather than be turned off, smiled even greater, picking up another cucumber with the same reverence and sliding it beside the other. “I think two cucumbers would be better, yes? This pair seems like a good match.”

Kurt returned the grin. “Two would be perfect, Mister…”

"Androvsky. Blaine Androvsky….Sorry, no. Anderson. I keep forgetting. The officials at Ellis Island changed it. They said that I am Blaine Anderson now. It is a very hard name to get used to.“

"I like them both. I’m Kurt Hummel. It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Androvsky Anderson.”

“Blaine, please. Two fine cucumbers such as ourselves should be on a first name basis, don’t you think?” The gentleman quirked his right eyebrow and winked.

“I do!” Kurt winced at how high his voice had become in his excitement, but if this was romantic lust, he didn’t care. He was so very glad his country had thrown open its doors. If all the recent immigrants were like this he would gladly welcome each one personally…or perhaps just this one. This one would do nicely.

“So how much, please? For these?”

“Seeing as how you’re new to the country, no charge.”

“That would not be proper. I must pay you something.”

“Half a penny for the pair then.”

Blaine sighed and unconsciously rubbed the back of his neck, wiping the bit of pomade that had gotten on his hand off on his pants. “I know you are still being too kind, but honestly, that is a relief. In the city near my boardinghouse, they would have charged me a whole penny for just the one, and I wouldn’t have had the money to pay my rent. I’m afraid I shall have to move to a fophouse as it is.”

Kurt tried not to show his excitement at this new information. “Do you need a place to live? We have a spare cottage made from a giant gherkin just on the other side of the cucumber field. A little old lady and her many children were living there, but she moved on to a much roomier shoe. It was too small for her, but might be livable for you. She took good care of it and pickled the inside and out in order to keep it from rotting.”

“I am intrigued. How did a cucumber get to become so big?”

“An innocent farmer’s son may or may not have been trying out his newly acquired super power and accidentally gone a bit overboard. He has it under control now though.” Kurt gestured to the basket of green vegetables.

Blaine pulled a nine and three quarters inch long stick of rich blackwood from his jacket’s interior breast pocket. “When I first bought my wand, I too had problems controlling it.”

A look of surprise lit up Kurt’s face. “Oh, you’re magical?”

“Yes. Are you?”

Kurt sighed longingly. “No, just a muggle with a super power. I hope to become a super hero someday though. Assuming enlarging things would be of use to anyone.”

The un-magical, but super powered man couldn’t help but notice the lust-blown eyes of his new friend. “I think enlarging…things…is a very, very wonderful ability to have.”

Kurt reached out a hand and placed it upon Blaine’s. “I’m glad you do.” Just as he was about to say more, a great commotion could be heard along with the distinct, though muddled, sounds of a chant for “brains…we must have brains.” He uttered a curse his father would have taken him to task for had he said such in the presence of his step-mother. “Damn it to all the hells! Zombies! They never seem to get it through their mindless heads that just because the insides of spaghetti squash and watermelon resemble brains, doesn’t mean there’s actually any in them! Last year they destroyed nearly half our crop. I had thought the new fencing would have held them at bay this time.”

Blaine reached into his coat pocket once again. “May I be of help? I have been working on a new zombie repelling potion. It seemed to work on the few that snuck aboard the steamliner that brought me over to your fine country.”

Kurt smiled in relief. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“For a new friend and fellow cucumber lover? Not at all. It would be my pleasure!”

“Let’s go then! On the way over, I can tell you about other things that I’ve made larger.”

Blaine Androvsky Anderson couldn’t help but pause and hug the handsome farmer. “Fairy Godmothers bless us all. I do love America!”


	2. Of Fairytales, Zombies, and Super-Human Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2’s zombie plot idea goes to my son and his love of video games. (BTW, do you know how hard it was to get info on Plants vs Zombies? I'd ask questions and people thought I was crazy. And I'm like, "I just need to know if the creatures in the game could do X, Y, Z for my fic." * Writing research sigh * )

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Part 2 - Of Fairytales, Zombies, and Super-Human Toast

Blaine, dapper gentleman of the early 1900’s, had settled into his cucumber cottage quite nicely. The smell of vinegar could be overpowering at times, especially when it hadn’t rained for many days in a row and he had no choice but to suck up his reluctance and sponge on a fresh coat of the preservative. He had indeed placed a preserving charm over his new home, but he had learned in his twenty odd years that taking extra precautions and extra protections, be they muggle or magical, was never a bad thing. Carole, Kurt’s kind and generous step-mother, had helped him to hang up bundles of dried herbs and wildflowers from the cottage’s rafters. Aside from being pleasing to look at, they gave off a pleasant aroma and helped to mask the acidic smell. Only a month living on the Hummel’s farm in their extra cottage, and three months in America in total, and his adopted country was already starting to feel like home.

Part of that reason was of course due to Kurt. Kurt Hummel - the strikingly handsome young man whom Blaine had become quite endeared to, had been truthful in his super-human ability to enlarge things. When their work on the farm was done for the day Kurt would lead him to the hidden recesses of the fields. Blaine with his sturdy magic wand, and Kurt with a flick of his strong and neatly manicured finger, would “flick and squish” any vegetable, fruit, plant, or creature that caught their fancy.

One time, they had both enlarged the same bean plant and within the blink of an eye the vines had grown in thickness and reached far into the sky. Laughing at their daring do, the adventurous pair had climbed the stalks, eager to view the city from a height taller than any of the buildings Manhattan had to offer. Unfortunately, rather than a striking vista, they had encountered a surly giant who kept calling Kurt “Jack” and demanding that he return a goose who laid golden eggs.

After that near disastrous encounter, the young men stuck to plants much closer to the ground. It was a most fortuitous decision for not a week later, a Fairy Godmother had stopped by the Hummel Farm, and twirled in delight at the magic and superpower-made, coach-sized pumpkins. She not only paid handsomely for every single one, but also purchased the corral of field mice, who had been similarly transformed and now stood as tall as the average man. Burt, Kurt’s father, had been equally pleased. He would now be able afford one of the fancy new gasoline-powered, open-geared tractors that had recently become available.

It was early evening when the handsome couple returned from yet another of their “enlargement sessions,” hand-in-hand, hoping the dimness of the light would hide their affection and any bits of clothing that may have become mussed from their intimate activities.

With a frightened look in his eyes, Kurt brought their leisurely stroll to his gentleman friend’s cucumber cottage to a sudden stop. “Blaine, there’s a zombie on your lawn! Or rather, many zombies.”

Blaine, who had been quite content focusing only on the radiant man who made his life happier than it had ever been, turned his gaze towards the unwanted danger. He groaned. He didn’t want zombies on his lawn! He wanted Kurt in his arms and in his bed. Thinking a rather rude curse at their circumstance, Blaine turned to his companion. “Do you have a plan of attack in mind or shall we just wing it?”

Kurt set his jaw in a hard line. “I say we play to our strengths. I’ll enlarge plants from your vegetable garden. You animate them and have them kill the zombies.”

“I haven’t animated anything since my school days at the Durmstrang Institute. I’ll do my best though!”

“While you work your magical spells, I’ll try to distract them with my second superpower. But first, your tomatoes, peas, and squash!” Kurt stretched his right hand towards the plants, feeling power course out of his fingers and envelope the summer fruits lined up in tidy rows. From the corner of his eye, he noticed that his companion had pulled out his wand and was muttering incantations under his breath, growing ever more frustrated as he tried to remember the correct one.

Hoping that his second plan, one of distraction, would work, Kurt stretched his left hand towards the clusters of flowers that bordered the garden. It didn’t take but a few breaths before they began to sing. Unfortunately, Blaine’s arm, the one that was swishing a magical wand in a complex maneuver, bumped into him. The power which had been turned on the tall and cheerful sunflowers, was now focused on the zombies and the singular song became a duet.

With Blaine finally having animated the vegetable plants into attacking the unwanted guests, his yard became a battle ground of warring sides in what was surely the most bizarre Vaudeville act the residents of Manhattan Island had never seen.

It seemed like hours had passed before the last of zombies were dead and dragged into a nearby wagon to be carted off later.

Catching his breath and dabbing at his sweated brow with a handkerchief, Blaine turned to Kurt, the question that had been burning on his tongue finally getting its release. “Your second superpower is the ability to make plants sing? That is the most delightful thing I have ever seen! Or rather, it would have been more delightful under more fortuitous circumstances.”

Kurt shook his head in the negative and sighed. “It is a quite useless superpower, as you witnessed. Unfortunately, superpowers come in twos. You get a good and powerful one and a rather…not so grand one. My father for instance can make any mechanical object, even the most derelict and neglected of machines, work smoother and with more vigor than the day it was made. It has allowed our farm to become quite productive and added a side business as well. He can also make very good toast. The best toast you have ever eaten.”

“Your father is both a grand mechanic and a cook then?”

“Oh, no! Those are his superpowers. The man could burn a pot of water, but give him a loaf of bread, a variety of spreads, and a toasting iron, and miracles happen. A few years back, I was feeling very down one day and nursing a blackened eye from the bullies at school. My father made me buttered toast with cinnamon and sugar and with just the first slice, all I could feel was his love and caring. There was not a problem in the world that I could not tackle and it was because of his super-human toast.” Kurt’s fond smile of the memory turned to one of chagrin. “Of course there was that one time when he prepared for us some toast with goat cheese…”

Blainewas intrigued at his companion’s blush. “Do go on. Was this special goat cheese?”

“Well, it was a gift from some distant cousins of ours who live in the Alps of Switzerland, but I do not think it was unlike most other goat cheeses. It was my father’s toast, you see. I suppose he was thinking kindly of our dear relatives when he made it. Then when I ate it…well, images and feelings for a goat herder named, Peter, would not leave my thoughts for days. I began to wish that he was not married to my cousin, Heidi, but rather to…”

“You.” Blaine finished the thought for him and when Kurt blushed again and he couldn’t help but lean over and kiss his heated cheek. “Do you think it was the toast then that made you fond of men?”

“No, I think it just brought the reality to my consciousness.”

“I’m quite glad it did!” Again, Blaine kissed his gentleman’s cheek, for it made them both smile. “Now do tell me more about your second superpower. I am quivering with curiosity!”

“To be honest, I am a bit frightened by it.”

“Why so is that? You have the ability to make plants sing. It’s as charming and delightful as you are!”

“Have you ever heard the tale of a young maiden named Snow White?”

“Of course! The Fairy Godmothers and Godfathers love to speak of it. It is a beloved story told to children everywhere.”

“You wouldn’t use the word ‘beloved’ had you ever met the girl. My stepbrother’s father had been a soldier sent to protect a group of miners who were dying in rather alarming numbers and unusual ways. You see Snow White, was no innocent and cheerful lass. She possessed the superpower to steal men’s souls. Which she did, trapping them in stone statues resembling little men with pointed ears and hats. For her amusement, she would make them, and creatures of the forest, sing. Finn’s father died while trying to kill her. They say he sang in his death throes.” Kurt couldn’t help the shudders that rippled through his body. “That is why I do not care for my second superpower very much.”

“Oh, Kurt! You could never be evil like her! You are the kindest, most compassionate man in all of America.” Blaine enveloped his beloved in a fierce embrace. “Please, let us retire to the inside of my cottage where we shall have a strong drink and find very delightful ways to forget about zombies and evil maidens. And another day perhaps, we can compare histories on the magical, super-powered, and Fairy folk of your country and my native one.”

Kurt returned his lover’s smile with a chaste kiss to his lips. “I should like to be distracted tonight very much.”

“Very good then, sir!” With a flourished bow, Blaine led the way and the couple had a most delightful evening indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was supposed to have continued with Part 3 - A History of the Twisted World, but never did.


End file.
